The day before yesterday, silence and blindness. But not discomfort because, if the goodness of Jesus has spared my exhausted and deeply suffering body the exertion of writing, it has only comforted my spirit with his invisible presence, white and smiling, entirely for me. And all the peace of those holy eyes has poured into my heart.
Oh, my treasure, unknown to the world! Even to the world which is closest to me: those who live with me and see me always occupied reading my prayers or making lace, eating a piece of fruit or speaking of ordinary matters, and do not know that in reality the “better part”735 of me only adores the God it sees and speaks to Him and hears Him speak. Sometimes I find myself smiling, considering that those who are with me do not know who I am with. And sometimes I also find myself suffering when, in the presence of the Holy and Invisible One, the Pure and Adorable One, conversations take place which are not holy, pure, or charitable. People cannot know, and I cannot say so, either.... But what conflict I experience and what vigilance I exercise to make reparation with acts of love, faith, hope, and purity for the blow given to my Jesus with those conversations! A blow which must be quite heavy if in me, a poor worm, it already prompts such affliction only because my Jesus has communicated to me a crumb of his way of feeling and thinking.
This morning I feel the active joy which in me is always a prelude to his Word. I shall explain as best I can. I feel a passive joy when, as happened yesterday and the day before, I rejoice in the Presence, but It does not call me to serve It. I feel an active joy when that indescribable “something” I experience says to me, “Servant of your Jesus, He calls you. Serve Him.” I then go from spiritual serenity to cheerfulness, from peace to a lightness which relieves me. If I could move, I think I would go back and forth, inside the house or, better, outside it, with exuberance over this joy and strength penetrating me. In the state I am in, my only outlet is song.... That sweet languor then takes over which changes my face, a languor wherein I melt into a sweetness which is not of this earth. And from it I go to the real work of writing by dictation or describing what presents itself to me. If it is writing by dictation and the dictation is based on a point in the Bible, then Jesus first has me open to the point He wants to explain. If, on the other hand, it is a dictation without special references, He then does not have me take up even the Bible or any other holy book. If it is a vision, it presents itself, as I said,736 with an initial figure which is generally the culminating point in the vision and then develops in an orderly way. As soon as it presents itself, it fills me with even more intense joy. When the vision has an orderly unfolding, I start at the beginning. When it presents itself from the culminating point on, I describe that point and then, when the preceding one is shown, I write that one and the sequence (so it was with the vision of Rabbi Gamaliel in August, in the first ten days of the month, I think).737
Jesus told me to repeat once more, to provide more light for those who are or want to remain in the dark concerning my case. And He now tells me to open the Bible. Today, then, it is a dictation. I copy the point He indicates to me because He tells me to do so - Jeremiah 42:10-16: “If you remain calm in this land, I shall raise you up again and not destroy you. I shall plant you and not uproot you, for I am already appeased with the harm I have done you. Do not be afraid of the king of Babylon, in front of whom you tremble, for I am with you to save you and free you from his hands. And I shall treat you with mercy and take pity on you and have you dwell in your land. But if you say, ‘We shall not dwell in this land or listen to the voice of the Lord our God,’ adding, ‘Not at all! We shall go into the land of Egypt, where we shall see no more wars, no longor hear the sound of the trumpet, and no longer endure hunger, and we shall remain there,’ hear the word of the Lord in this regard.... The Lord of hosts says these things, the God of Israel: ‘If you stubbornly insist on wanting to go to Egypt and go to dwell there, the sword you fear will come to find you in the land of Egypt, and the hunger you are afflicted over will be upon you in Egypt, where you dwell.’
Jesus says:
“Patience and obedience are two great virtues. Patience brings peace with it; patience brings friendship with God with it, respect for God, charity towards one’s neighbors, spiritual and physical health, and heavenly blessings.
“The impatient are restless. God, who lets Himself be felt only in the peace of the heart, is not in restlessness. Even a sorrowful heart can be in peace. There is peace when there is resignation. But in the heart becoming stubborn towards the divine will and the blows of ordinary things, there is always effort, suffering, and restlessness.
“The idea that being stubborn and not budging, like restive mules, might serve to turn matters, even the humblest ones, in your favor! Why, no, children! Human matters do not bend: they bend you more harshly with the severity of laws or superiors, if you offer resistance. Supernatural matters are more readily modified in the face of your filial and submissive bending than before arrogant rebelliousness.
“The impatient become disrespectful towards God. It is easy for them to pass on to thoughts, acts, and words which should never arise from the heart of children and subjects in relation to the fatherhood and majesty of God. The impatient are proud. They think they are more just than God and those directing them and want to act on their own. The impatient arrive at acts of incivility with their neighbors, holding them responsible for delays in getting what they want. The impatient harm their spiritual health by offending charity towards God and their neighbors and harm their physical health, for all anger burdens the organism. The impatient, with the dike of their rebellious restlessness, close off the rivers of heavenly blessings.
“Do you think you do not deserve to suffer what you are suffering from? Are you perhaps perfect monsters of pride, so perfect that you proclaim yourselves to be without sins to expiate? Look back at your past. Do not say, ‘I have not killed. I have not stolen.’ These are not the only sins deserving punishment. Nor is the person crouching in an entrance hall and then assaulting a passer-by the only one who steals. Oh, people steal in so many ways! And so many things are stolen which are not just money.
“Do you want to know some of the objects of thievery in addition to money, jewels, and material goods? Honor, purity, esteem, health, and earnings. And, regarding God, respect, true worship, and obedience. Do you see? And I have mentioned only some of them. But how many, many acts of thievery are committed by even the man who is apparently most honest! Don’t those leading others to despair kill, even if the despairing do not kill themselves? They do. They kill the most select part - the spirit - which in despair separates from God, the origin of every man destined to be born to Heaven, and thus dies. Don’t those who remove faith from the hearts of those who are their neighbors commit theft? They do. And yet how many by their works and words tear faith away from those who believed in justice and sow either incredulity regarding all faith or a poisonous plant of idolatry! And doesn’t he who takes honor and peace away from a woman and denies paternity to the illegitimate son born because of him steal? He does. He commits two acts of theft, and they are among the most serious ones and most condemned by Me. But, in addition.... In addition....
“Oh, no one is without sin to expiate! Well then, if I have been appeased by the punishment I have wanted to give you here, on earth, which is a loving punishment - for I don’t want to punish you in the place where the punishment is measured by centuries or eternity, whereas here it is always a fraction of time, whether months or years - why do you at once want to reactivate my sternness by disobeying and showing Me an irate heart because of impatience? Make God your friend, and God will be with you against the enemies which are life events, the consequences of the tragedy provoked by you out of blameworthy thoughtlessness in leaving Satan and the lesser satans free to torture the human race.
“But if, with the ancient pride of the human race, you want to do as you please, deaf to the heavenly voices seeking your good, if you wish to do so, deaf to the voices of charity and moved by selfish thoughts which I detest, I then say to you, ‘Do so. But you shall not avoid what you would have avoided by being resigned to Me. And it will then be useless to call God.’ ”
Jesus then says:
“For you. But not for you alone. Let each take his portion and use it as medicine.” He says nothing else. And I, in what concerns me, take my portion and recognize that it is mine. And I am pained over the others. True, sincere pain. I would not have wanted this dictation, in which I again hear the severe Master of a year ago....738
735 Luke 10:41-42.
736 For example, on March 4.
737 On August 7.
738 We omit the entry for October 12, the episode involving “James and John, Who Speak to Peter about the Messiah,” found in the cycle on The First Year of the Public Life.