Today the first thing I had was the letter, which, if I had had to write it on my own, would have been much sharper! Then St. Catherine of Siena spoke, for the first time.778 Then the two visions.
And Jesus, on giving the second one, says, “Write today. Tomorrow your physical condition will be such as to impede all action.” Indeed, since yesterday I have been suffering so much that I have fallen ill even more than usual. People are sometimes as cruel as assassins.... May God be merciful to them.
I am happy that Giuseppe is leaving with the viaticum of the words in the letter which has been added here779 and in the dictation by St. Catherine. He wept like a child, especially when Jesus had me give my cousin my medal as a Daughter of Mary, which was very dear to me, also because it was a memento of my school. The inscription reads, “Mother, look upon us and protect us.” So be it.
Those who feel I am too attached to things because I suffer over certain matters which seem like profanation to me would perhaps change their minds if they saw how, without arguing, but, rather, with a joyful, quick will, I detached that medal and another and still another from the rosary - all three of them of Our Lady, and all three very dear to me, not because of their value as silver, but because of affection and memories. And I gave one to Paola, to whom, at her request, I had already given a crucifix I was very fond of which my dead father and mother had held in their hands - a little crucifix which was on this rosary, which will also be in my hands at my death; another one to Titina; and, finally, this one, the dearest of all to me, to Giuseppe.780 Indeed, I gave this one first because the order had come for him. I gave them to the others so as not to create desires and regrets.
And then... if only Our Lady would save them all! I made a final attempt with her dictations on her infancy and childhood, and I won. I have now finished my diuturnal mission. He is going far away... and Satan is so wicked. He is found everywhere, and men are his instruments to torture their fellows, even those who would be least considered to be such. He is going far away - may Our Lady save him.
Jesus, when saying to me, “Give your medal to Giuseppe, the Daughter of Mary one,” finished with a smile: “And the one on her knees (St. Agnes) in front of the Mother is you, in relation to your cousin.”
Yes, I shall pray for him, whom Catherine calls “your Tuldo,”781 so that he will take pleasure in the “pasture of the three virtues.”
3 p.m.
Here I am, alone. They782 have left. There is no longer any blood relation close to me. But only those unrelated, more or less good. And when I die, the unrelated. And when I am buried, the unrelated. Always and only the unrelated.
The full tragedy of my condition looms before me, without veils of charity or affection to obscure the angles, which are sharper than swords. And this is happening to me here, where I don’t have even you783 and my house around me. I would have wanted this only from God - for this departure to take place when I was in my house and with you near. And, since I felt this was right, I thought it would be granted to me.
Paola! Giuseppe! Titina! I have sometimes suffered because of you. But how I shall miss you! I am really an orphan now, and with the certainty of no longer seeing those familiar faces that for so many months - fifteen and a half - I have always seen around the house.
Now that I am sicker and sicker, who will take care of me while Marta is away? And when I reach the point of agonizing from a crisis, who will come to my aid while Marta goes to get help? Paola! Giuseppe! Titina! And I suffered if you were away from me for an hour! I did not say so, but I suffered. And what ended up making this town hateful for me was that I was confined up here784 and saw you much less and heard you much less.
I was so happy during these last nights, when Paola slept with me! I seemed to have gone back to the time when I watched over you, a motherless child, at the Centralino.785
No more of this now! Never again! I know - it had to come. I prayed for it to come because you so desired. But I suffered. My saint’s day was marred by this joyful hurry of yours to depart. I did not say so. But how I suffered! Marta knows.
I have given you everything: as a relative, as a friend, and as a Christian. I have given you more than material things, which for me are always nothing. I have given you my heart and my spirit. Now I can say so. I have defended you by dint of penances. In your illnesses, dangers, and trips, Paola, Giuseppe, Titina, and you, Gigi786 - who don’t know how much I have prayed for you - I paid for you. I have brought you to safety and upwards. I shall now continue to pray. With my heart, which bleeds from being torn away from you.
Love me. Even beyond life, which I now hope will be brief, for “on earth there is no place for poor Maria,” and I hope the gates of Heaven will open for me. But if I had had you for that hour...! Love me. As a relative, friend, and Christian, as Christians, friends, and relatives. Who knows when you will receive this sheaf, with this page of tears! May God grant that you may know together that I am in peace!
But when you receive it, you will know a bit more about the way I have seen you and the way I was for you.
777 This entry is preceded by the episode involving “The Miraculous Catch of Fish,” found in The First Year of the Public Life.
778 The dictation by St. Catherine may have been erroneously attributed to the preceding day.
779 No letter has been added to the notebook.
780 Giuseppe Belfanti, the cousin of the writer’s mother. Anna, nicknamed “Titina,” was his second wife, and Paola was his daughter and Titina’s stepdaughter.
781 See November 9.
782 The Belfanti relatives.
783 Father Migliorini.
784 In Viareggio the writer’s room was on the ground floor, whereas in St. Andrea di Compito her room was on the upper floor, and she was thus more isolated. This passage is clearer in the light of note 312.
785 Paola Belfanti had lost her mother, Normanna, the first wife of Giuseppe, in 1922, when the writer was in Reggio Calabria, where from October 1920 to August 1922 she was the guest of the Belfanti relatives, who owned two hotels, called the Centrale and the Centralino.
786 Luigi Belfanti, nicknamed “Gigi,” Giuseppe’s son and Paola’s brother.