I am getting worse and worse. For three days the pain in the area of the spleen and left kidney has been so tremendous that wrenches cries out of me when I move, and if I am still, it is as if a dog were gnawing at my insides or there were an enormous abscess. I even have swelling in that area.
Since yesterday, in addition, I have had even more acute pains in both lungs, so that every breath is very painful and difficult. Yesterday at 3 p.m. I experienced a moment of real discouragement... and wept, thinking I may have to die here, alone and away from my house....
Why are you so far away? Why did I agree to come here? What compassion did I have in making this sacrifice for others? Now that I am like this, in serious condition and isolated, they have gone off, and that’s all there is to it. But I’ve got to be patient and go forward.
It’s a good thing that I am remaining in Jesus’ arms. A little while ago I complained to Him, “O Lord, I am getting worse and worse. You, out of pity on my state, are dictating nothing more to me. We are no longer free to. And without even the slightest hope of being able to leave. What shall we do?
Drawing me to Himself - oh, how sweet this is! - He replied, “Put everything in my rustic cradle in Bethlehem. You are so cold. You have so many thorns. You are so uncomfortable. You are so alone. You suffer so much. Give Me your cold, your thorns, your discomforts, your solitude, and your sufferings. Fill my poor cradle with them. On contact with the Child God they will become blessings and graces. I want the crib to be full of them. Because the world needs graces of love and mercy. I want to inundate the world with mercy. It must overflow from my cradle. But it is the love and generosity of my victim souls, of the souls that are truly my spouses that fill the cradle. Go in peace. I am with you.”
And then... onward. But have mercy, Jesus. A little mercy for us victims, too. You had the Cyrenean and the devout women,803 Veronica, and the love of your Mother and John. Give me at least my Director and my house. Let me die with him near and in that place. And then do what You please with me, what You please and as You please.
803 Matthew 27:32; Mark 15:21; Luke 23:27.